Credit cards can be awesome. They save time, they are easier to carry than money and they are a form of identification, and many come with cool holograms. Therefore, most of us have one or more for our very own. However, things happen… cards stop functioning, cards are cancelled, cards pass their expiration date… as I said, things happen. When one of these unhappy circumstances happens to your cherished card, you have options to consider. How does one obliterate a credit card? It must be destroyed! It could fall into the wrong hands. The wrong hands could charge several thousand dollars worth of flashy clothes and ostentatious jewelry—to your account.
True, many cards now come with 0 fraud protection plans, but it is still a time consuming task to prove the purchases were not yours. Though, we are quite certain you would never be caught dead in “those” trashy stores.
Here are a few logical and relatively labor saving ways by which you can divest yourself of these tiresome, ineffectual credit cards. I have also included the degree of confidence I have in each option. The scale is from 1 to 5. One means I have no confidence whatsoever, yet the option sounded appealing. Five means I just adore it. I am convinced you can figure out the 2, 3 and 4 without my help.
- Flush it down the toilet. This method has the advantage of speed. Also, think convenient, everyone has at least one toilet. Nonetheless, one must consider stopping up the toilet. Additionally, I have no idea where the toilet water finally exits. The ultimate destination may not be that secure. (confidence – 0)
- Feed it to a piranha, African tilapia fish or those dreaded Asian snakehead fish at your local pet shop. Issue – you must use stealth and conning. Store owners frown on such shenanigans. Caution–there may be one or more laws against it. (confidence – 0)
- Melt it on your outdoor grill. This method works quite well if the fire is sufficiently hot. However, the softened card has a nasty tendency to stick to the bottom of the grill and resist all attempts to disengage it. Perhaps, it would work better if you used your neighbor’s grill…you know who I mean, the ill-tempered one with shifty eyes. (confidence – 0)
- If you simply leave it out on your deck in the spring, a bird may use it to “feather” its nest. Truthfully, I can’t say that I have any firsthand knowledge of birds using old credit cards for nest building material, nor have I ever read about such a phenomenon. If you have a friend who happens to be an ornithologist, please seek his or her advice before arranging this means of card elimination. (confidence – 0)
- Put it in the little card sucker at the checkout in your local Target Store and simply slip silently away into the night. I have misgivings about this method. One, it may pop out again and then a sneaky “cardnapping” malcontent may abuse your card. On second thought, this is a method to be saved until you are truly desperate and slightly senile. (confidence – 0)
- I have often heard, and perhaps you have too, if you want to dispose of something you should dig a deep hole and pitch it in. I may have heard this from the Mafia (just in case, don’t repeat it). I think eight feet is the acknowledged depth of preference. Since credit cards are more compact than the usual mob discarded “entity,” the pit would not need to be especially wide or long. I am not certain how one digs a hole eight feet deep and 3 X 2 inches. However, if you can figure out this one insignificant detail you may have an extremely practical method of disposal. Hmmm, there was something about cement. You can forgo that step. (confidence – 0)
- While traveling by air and lounging around the toilet area, flush the exasperating card from 25,000 feet. Though this is certainly an intriguing way to dispose of it, the plan has certain weakness. Again, as with the home toilet, I have no idea where it will end up after its rather lengthy journey. Nonetheless, the flight attendants will be pleased you were not smoking in the facilities. On second thought, in the current flying climate, I am sure you would be arrested and detained in Cuba. Just forget it! (confidence – less than zero)
- You know, I understand a new flight to Venus is planned…
- Use a heavy duty shredder (confidence – 5)
- Use heavy duty scissors…the little fingernail clippers take forever. (confidence – 5)
For those of you who feel more comfortable with the standard and less exotic forms of credit card disposal (there is no accounting for taste), I suggest the following:
Now that you have found a groovy method for ridding yourself of old credit cards, you may want to review the advantages of the following credit card offers:
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